Cameron's Graduation and Golf Emporium

Every spare moment of this past weekend was spent with Uncle Mark and Larry golfing it up at Knight's Play.  Day, night, getting asked to leave because it was midnight.  We were there.  We saw every hole and filled it with golf balls.  We cheered.  We cried.  We sliced (more than anything else).

Check my score cards yo!  (Yes, that's a 2 on the 22nd hole.  -1 par.  And yes, it was also my second time on a course.  Check the numbers.)

Oh Netflix. How come you don't dance no more?

"Because you enjoyed one of the best nature documentaries ever made, as well as enjoying Ricky Gervais' comedic timing/writing..."

Action Item Lists

Seriously, with all the perfect conversations I've ever acted out in my head, you would think some of them would come to fruition in real, actual life.  All the things I think to say that would lead to someone saying something perfect.  All the things I build up the guts to say to people, and just get totally let down.  Are people as shy and scared as I am?  I hope so.  Because my heart is starting to ache from being dropped so much.

Haikus from work

Wrote these the other day while packing -90˚ bread.  Enjoy.

Eyes never open

on their own.

The winter mornings of spring.

____

Petals dapple deep wood shavings

Tulips, neon against violet evenings.

Concord Mills Tooth Whitening Kiosk: Interview 1

I'd like to introduce a new, hopefully weekly, portion of this blog.  Time permitting, I hope to be able to get out as much as possible to visit some new friends at the Concord Mills Outlet Mall.  Mike and Kelly work in the tooth whitening kiosk near the Circuit City and the Bass Pro Shop, a star, if not the star, attraction at the outlet mall.  I got a chance to sit down with Mike and Kelly a little under a week ago, and we got to talking.

I: Mike, Kelly, it's good to meet you both.

M: We're glad to be here, Ian.

K: Likewise.

I: I guess, what the readers will want to know first: how did you both get into the teeth whitening game?

K: Mike tells it better than I do, really.  He was here at the beginning.

M: It's true.  I've been here since the inception.

I: So, does this require any special medical degree?

M: Is a philosophy degree a medical degree? (laughs)  Really, I had been working for a Verizon kiosk in Charlotte, and when the teeth whitening booth opened up in their mall I tried it out.  That was around Christmas of 2006.  They were able to get years of coffee stains off my teeth before seeing my family for the holidays.  I knew this was going to take off.  I just needed a small business loan and a location.

I: And that lead you here?

M: This was actually my backup.  I was originally trying to get in across the street.  A shopping center was opening up at the time, and there were storefronts for lease.  From my years with the Verizon kiosk I knew that our customers were always more comfortable in the store than they were at the kiosk.  People tend to just buy car chargers and face plates for their phones at the kiosk.  Customers will do their major purchases at the stores, and pay bills.  So, getting a storefront was key.  Unfortunately, Subway was quick, and knew the legal game a little better than I did.

K: They're pretty big here.

M: Yeah.  And, like I said, they know what they're doing.  So, I took up shop here.  I bought a franchise and got "the kit."  You know, the chairs, the lasers.

K: The chairs are the best part.

M: They're pretty comfy.

I: So, you didn't want to set up down by the movie theater or the candy shop on the other end of the mall?

K: We don't like to seem preachy. (laughs)

M: I figured the Bass shop draws people in here like gangbusters, so what better place.  This is prime real estate you're sitting in.  And the peanut roaster is close by, so it smells good.  People buy the peanuts and get some skin in their teeth, and by the time they get to us, they're thinking about their teeth.

K: You can see them coming.  They hold their jaws a certain way.

I: I've noticed from watching you two that you don't jump out at the mall patrons.

M: Like Kelly said, we don't like to seem preachy.

K: This is one of those services that people either know they need, or it just seems extravagant to them.

M: Yeah.  They'll come to us if they need us.  Otherwise, we're content to watch those with confident smiles just walk past.  We don't want to scare people off.

K: I know how I feel when one of those lotion girls comes up to me in the mall.  We treat people as we would want to be treated.

I: And this method works?

M: Me and Kelly are pretty comfortable, so far.

K: Yeah, we're not hurting for business.  The free time we get lets us do all kinds of stuff too.  We're really each other's best friend.

I: I suppose this doesn't affect your personal lives too much?

M: It's great for friends.  I don't have a single friend that doesn't have a bright smile.

K: Guys love a mouth full of white teeth.  It's hypnotizing, I guess.

M: I know I like a good smile on a woman.

I: I can't argue with that, I guess.  So, Kelly, where did you come into this equation?

K: Well, it's not a great story.  I'm Mike's sister-in-law.  See, I told you it wasn't a great story. (laughs)

I: You're married Mike?  How about you, Kelly?

K: Nope.  Haven't found Mr. Right yet.  This job helps.  I do like an outdoorsy guy, and that's what Bass attracts.  If I wanted a fancier guy we could always move towards the Banana Republic outlet. (both laugh)

M: They have better smiles.

I: That's probably true.  Judging by my smile, what would you say I am?

M: Open up. (examining teeth)  I'd say you're more of a city boy with a love of sweets.

I: That's amazing.  Can you do that with anyone?

M: It's really the first thing I notice about people.  We were always told to smile for customers at the Verizon kiosk, but working here I really understand the depths of those smiles I was giving out, you know.

I: Did you notice Kelly's when you first met her?

M: Sure.  When my wife introduced us I noticed she had a bright smile, but I was still with Verizon, so she just had pretty teeth to me.  When I opened up this place she was really excited to be a part of it when my wife told her about it.

K: It's true.

I: And Kelly, is there any jealousy now between your sister and you over Mike's attention?

K: No.  I suppose she gets to see him a lot more than I do.  Of course, most of that time is sleeping. (both laugh)

M: There's no jealousy at all, Ian.

I: Well, I'm going to wrap this up and go get an Orange Julius.  I thank you both for taking time to kick back and share some of your story with my readers.

K: Oh sure.

M: Thanks for coming by.  We'll see you again soon.  Remember to brush after that Orange Julius.  Or chew some gum.

That's all for this week.  Next week, we'll be kicking out the really good questions.  Co-worker fantasies and pop culture likes and dislikes.  A big thank you to Mike and Kelly, and to the good people at Concord Mill Outlet Mall.  See you all next week.

Porn stars of Raleigh

 I think I've seen this girl walking around Hillsborough Street.  Look her up.  She's hot.  Her name is Allie Sin.  How oddly appropriate.  Kind of like all porn star names.  How cool would it be to bump into her, or sit next to her at a cafe or something?  Maybe get her to laugh and get into her good graces so we could hang out.  Listen to "What's Going On" on a rainy Sunday in smokey lighting.

Tossin' bread and all of a sudden...

I was nearly attacked by two foxes tonight, and I'm not ashamed at the fact I know only the words, "Fame... makes a man take things over" and then I trail off into quieter song.

With the foxes though, luckily Greg was outside smoking a B&M, having a quilting circle on his phone.  He hung up just in time to yell my name, and the foxes scampered off into the hills.  You see, they're attracted to the bread.  They can't get enough of the stuff.  Scott was throwing loaves out into the rushes while I emptied the end of the day barrels.  He told me that, around ten the previous night, those same foxes had barked at him with that creepy electric fox bark (the name of my solo project).

Lifting the barrel up and into the dumpster I began to cogitate on how to deal with the fox.  When one is attacked, often the attacker has the element of surprise.  Now, if an attacker got the better of me by surprise, it wouldn't say much for the time I spend thinking at work.  I spend eight to nine hours a day thinking about anything and everything.  I work out arguments in my head, bending them to suit my goals.  I balance my finances.  I compose.  Certainly, the skirmish between a fox and myself isn't beyond my realm of design.  Get low.  By spreading the arms one makes oneself look as big as possible.  Like the eyes on a butterfly's wings.  This opens a person to attack or retreat by the fox.  If the fox retreats, then the bread is dumped and the time clock is waiting.  Clock out.  Get a sandwich.  If the fox attacks, feeling Napoleonically threatened, you're in the perfect position to distract it with your waving hands.  Treat it as a cobra.  Kick it in the mouth.  Or just the head in general.  Disgust it with speed.  If there are two, don't rely too heavily on putting that foot down.  After the first fox is kickticated, swing the kicking leg back to throw your body in a jumping fashion, backwards.  Land and kick again, for the other fox will most certainly be lunging by now.  Side swipe him.  The dumpster is right there.  Use it to your advantage by kicking the foxes body into the can.  You are strong.  You are swift.  I can't see how fast you're moving, but it's pretty fast.  These foxes are no match for your defense mechanisms.

Notice how I don't use my hands.  Leaves a person open for rabies.  The only time I want to be foaming at the mouth is when someone gives me a virgin Apple Pie Shot.  Mmm.

So, other than getting attacked by rabid xenomorphs in the disguise of foxes, things have been chill here.  Work is getting to that summer point.  The days are slow.  Only about 1200 cases a day.  Not bad at all.  When the weather gets to the same point, things should get pretty awesome.  Yeah, grammar/spelling nazi.  I used "pretty" as a modifier.  Sit on it and spin pretty fast.  The guys like to play hackie sack, and I just happen to have one with me in my bag at all times.

New to the team at work are Clay and Bonnie.  Both have kind of brought me out of my shell a little more.  I feel comfortable around them for some reason.  They're wicked nice and always have something cool to talk about.  I didn't get to vote on them due to a ballot mishap, but I would have voted positively.

Outside of work, I've been playing a lot of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.  What an endeavor.  It's fucking huge.  Should take forever.  I have Star Wars: Battlefronts 2 and Predator: Concrete Jungle as backups for when I get tired of trying to beat an impossibly long game.

I went to see Arlo Guthrie the other week.  He was playing in Durham, and I got tickets as an unbirthday present.  Fucking awesome show!  One of the best ever in my whole life.  Ever.  He played my favorite song, "My Darkest Hour."  He did some ragtime stuff, Alice's Restaurant, City of New Orleans, This Land is Your Land, and one of his dad's unreleased songs.  God it was a good show.  Oh, and by the way, I shook his hand after the show!  How often do you get to shake the hand of a man that knew an intimate side of Woody that no one else ever saw?  A man who knew Leadbelly and Pete Seeger.  A man that took part in shaping a generation of seekers and wanderers.  That took a part in shaping my childhood as Uncle Larry would sit me down and recite the story songs to me, helping me learn them and make them my own to entertain my friends later on in life.  I actually got a CD signed for Larry.  He should enjoy that a lot.  And I got this for myself:

Pretty cool, huh?

It's late.  I need to get some sleep, kids.  More posts are on the way as my brain is bursting with things to talk about.  Stay clean.  Use jimmy hats.

For Steve

Apparently, I have fans.  Fans that love my desire to become Norm Abram's apprentice (or at least suck up to him as much as I can digitally).  So, I've combined two of my favorite activities: talking about Norm Abram, and making big dick jokes.  For the fans:

My dick is so big Norm Abram once asked it for woodworking tips.

Yes. Yes yes yes. YES!

I wish I had tools!

My little town...

I'd just like to share this article with the few readers I have.  I'm proud to say that these are the people I come from.  Slipknot and a mother selling her sons car because she found booze in it.  I come from a place where you'll learn your lesson, no matter the cost.