Thanks Rudy!

I don't know how many times I recited this in my head today, but it made me smile every time I did.

[If]

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you

But make allowance for their doubting too,

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or being hated, don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,

If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breath a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;

If all men count with you, but none too much,

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And--which is more-- you'll be a Man, my son!

- Rudyard Kipling

Two weeks notice

Dear gggggg,

Of course, what could have prevented everything, as usual, is if I had just kept my mouth shut. gggggg and gggggg were sitting close and with their backs to you, though I doubt either of them would have recognized you without prodding. Harboring these feelings is so easy until a small surprise sneaks up and suddenly, at least in my mind, everything is forgiven. All the leaving and leading on. And I couldn't keep my mouth shut. Even with cheese and artichoke dip in my mouth, "Guess who I just saw." I had bought gggggg a beer and we were all having a good time. gggggg had even offered to buy the extra ticket I was left with when two people bailed on me for this gggggg show we were at. My anger from the beginning of the night was fading. gggggg was witness to that.

You walked by and I saw you. Normally, I would have brightened up and opened my mouth. I'm nice to a fault. You walked into the next dining room and I left it at that. No mention. Not even a quick succession of blinks. Nothing to give away the anger that was building inside. I kept both of them that night and averted any future love triangles and secrecy. No stormy night conversations in the parking lot about his feelings for you while trying to hide my own. I never missed a text message. I went straight home from work and kept to myself. Things were boring, but uncomplicated. Probably watched a few more movies and applied to some grad schools earlier. Still haven't had an argument about getting back to scholastics with gggggg. It hasn't come up because I didn't have any lag, and I didn't do anything to permanently betray her trust and when I say I'm doing something she believes me.

And instead of leaning over and mentioning how tall that man in drag was, I just thought it to myself and noticed the huge boots. gggggg caught up with you at the restaurant that night, but I just watched the band, pretending not to be able to hear you. I danced with gggggg more. When you asked me where I went I smiled. I paid for these tickets and I wasn't going to have some drawn out conversation about how you fucked me over time and time again. I kept my mouth shut again. I saved myself. I drove you both back to your respective houses and went home, happy to turn in to bed and sleep before moving the next day. I didn't wake up groggy and wobbling. I never called. I treated you like any other person I don't care to keep in touch with and told you I would. You never wore that dress and you never said those lies. You've said them before. No need to rehash the past. It never felt natural. It never felt right. You were never the one because you never were. I lied just like you did. I ate mussels with everyone else and didn't bother taking pictures I thought would make you laugh.

That summer, gggggg and I hung out. I went down to visit gggggg a few times and drove down to visit gggggg in Atlanta with her. She didn't cry at the edge of the bed and I was a better person than I've ever been. A few concerts in the VIP box. A few late night movies with friends. gggggg and I spent a lot of time outside of the Flying Saucer. No one was sad. It was a good summer.

Sincerely,

gggggg

Biggie was right.

I just found this picture of what one trillion dollars looks like. The little red thing is a human being. Very cool stuff. Oh, and each of those pallets is double stacked.

Hope on the horizon

This is the kind of news I like to see. I knew AT&T couldn't hold this down forever. Bring on the anticompetitive suits!