Scwartzberg

Caution: this is the most beautiful spam message I've ever received... for Viagra and Cialis.

... he said kindly but firmly, "listen to what I say.  If you do not tame your proud temper, you will one day bring sorrow upon yourself."  Then he left, wounded and displeased.  The next day he came again.  "I may be going away," he said, "to the other side of the shop, to the opposite counter."  "Do I still look yaller?" Clarbelle asked, tossing her....

Attn: M. Night Shyamalan

Just so you don't steal this idea, because it's mine!  I had it.  The idea is a disaster movie/post 9/11 terrorist thriller.  When buildings start to collapse around the city, panic ensues and the military is called in.  Suddenly, terrorist sleeper cells are exposed and racial profiling takes a hold of the city.  Everyone is blaming their neighbor and saying their goodbyes because they may be next.  Foreign anti-American organizations start to take credit for the destroyed buildings, but when they can't/won't say what the next target will be they are dismissed.  Here's the twist.  Eventually, due to people being in the right place at the right time, and survivor accounts, it is discovered that the buildings are not being bombed.  They are simply old, and have not been taken care of well.  Somewhere in the hustle and bustle of the the highly disposable ethos of the 21st century people forgot that things will not simply take care of themselves.  They must be nurtured and watched over, maintained, and sometimes replaced.  Otherwise, the harsh reality is, everything will fall apart.

job description

A drawback of spending years in school is the assumption that the people in charge are typically going to be smarter in some way than the students.  This assumption sticks with you throughout life.  And I think this is the reason people make fun of their bosses so often.  Recently, the assumption was shattered at my place of employment.  In this case, not only is it that the boss isn't as smart, but he has no respect for his employees.

The Bakehouse has a Food Safety and Sanitation team.  This is a totally separate team dedicated to keeping the entire facility clean and monitoring the employees to see that they are working safely.  Now, we have a moth problem.  Having huge bins of flower attracts these types of problem.  It's a natural thing, and it probably happens to every bread baking facility.  The issue I have is that it doesn't seem that the Food Safety and Sanitation team is doing anything to combat this problem.  Now, the new deal at work is you can get one dollar for every moth you find and collect.  This is disgraceful, and every time I see someone walking around the bakehouse with a cup or plastic container of small moth bodies I am saddened by what we have been reduced to.  It's sad that people will totally demean themselves roaming the corners and dark, hot warehouse space for dead moths.  Not just because they're helping clean up, but for a dollar?  Are you not paid enough that you feel you have to scrounge around for maybe $5?  And what happened to Food Safety and Sanitation?  Is there no way to get rid of moths?  Isn't this why you get paid?  To have other people do your job for you?  Incredible.  I'd like to have been in the meeting where this was decided.  Where the Team Leader for the FS&S team sat across from the Bakehouse Manager and told him, "We just can't handle it.  Between fucking around all day and chatting with Maintenance and listening to music and rinsing things off, we just can't lick this moth problem."  "Oh, that's okay.  We'll just have everyone pitch in.  You'd be amazed what people will sell themselves off for.  A dollar will do it.  Yeah, a dollar a moth!  Genius!"

In the end, this new pitch is sort of the equivalent of "Let's play the silent game.  First person to talk loses."  It's a veiled attempt at keeping the masses pacified so we don't rise up and slay our masters for not having the place fumigated long ago.  We are now moth whores, selling our dignity a dollar a moth.  Get that money, folks!

Elusions of Stupidity

Street racing is illegal.  I think we can all agree on that fact.  So, why is it when I see all these souped up cars driving down the road with their half-painted doors and mismatched fender packages do they all have ultra loud exhausts?  Wouldn't you want to make your car as quiet as possible if you're going to elude detection by cops?  Just me thinking on a Friday night.

Your mama jokes:

Before we begin, there is a difference between the following and what you may have heard on a short-lived MTV diss competition show.  Your mama jokes are a very different animal, as is evident below.

- Your mama is so fat that it causes me to worry about her comfort level as she walks around.

- Your mama is so fat I had to make myself stop looking.  I'm so sorry about your mom.

- Your mama is so fat I cried last night before falling asleep.

- Your mama is so fat.  I hope she doesn't develop diabetes.  How's her diet?

- Your mama is so fat that I feel bad even saying anything about it, but I worry.

- Your mama is so fat I saw her kicking cans down the street the other day, and I asked her what she was doing, and she replied, "Moving these cans."  It was good to see your mom out of the house.

- Your mama is so fat that I thought of a very rude joke the other day, and felt bad about myself.  Sorry.  I'm just glad I told you.

- Your mama is so fat she might be more comfortable in a bigger car.  Something with more ground clearance.