Biscuit Method

Last week, as I was driving to work, I was halted by a large line of cars blocking traffic. This was a major intersection in Raleigh, so I didn't think much of it. The light was red on my side, so I got a chance to look around. It was Friday, payday, and there was a bank on the corner. This is not what the line was leading to. People weren't lining up to invest their money in interest bearing accounts. They were lined up for the drive through window of Hardee's. From the signs in the window I saw that they were releasing a new breakfast item: Biscuit Holes, ladies and gentlemen. Biscuit Holes, for those who didn't jump onto Hardee's (Carl's Jr., for those of you more Westward thinking) website to investigate, are small, cinnamon/sugar coated balls of dough shaped like doughnut holes. They are served with icing. Thanks Hardee's.

"Holes" has never been the most appropriate word to include in the names of food. But doughnut holes are made from the holes that are cut out of doughnuts. One must question whether those balls of dough should be called doughnuts, and the actual rings the doughnut holes since they do include a hole. But, it's cute and people like it, and they've been buying them for years.

Biscuit holes, though? I don't know how many culinarily inclined people will read this (I talk like thousands of people from all walks of life have this blog saved to their favorite places, when I know that two people that read this do cook and they do it well) but if you've made biscuits, there is no method to creating them that involves hole cutting. Biscuits, news flash, are not rings. They exist as a whole, flaky in texture and buttery, thick and warm. The only hole is the hole in my heart when there aren't any more biscuits. In baking there is a biscuit method, but that is a mixing process and has nothing to do with the biscuit itself. It's basically combining the liquid and dry ingredients separately and cutting fat into the dry. The biscuit method is used for pie crusts as well, and still, no holes.

Really, if you were walking down the street and someone with a scowl (or even a smile, it wouldn't matter) approached you and called you a name that included a noun followed by the word "hole" you wouldn't treat that as a compliment, let alone, breakfast. How easy would it have been to call these Biscuit Bites? It uses alliteration and sounds cute. How did that fail the test groups? How did it not make it out of a board meeting? How is Hardee's selling something that, by all logic and baking wisdom, shouldn't exist? I guess what's important is that they'll sell millions, I'll keep buying cinnamon raisin biscuits, and the rest of America can keep paying for what they don't use. Yes, you can buy my Biscuit Waste.